What I wouldn’t give to become productive and be able to care for my family again. I have begged all I can and used all the good will that I can at this point. I cannot even get a job waiting tables down here. I cannot make any money, and we are suffering. We all love each other so much, but being poor is so expensive. Banks fees are so high for overdrafts, but they are almost necessary as I hustle up and scramble to pay another bill just in the nick of time.
It was my beautiful and perfect son’s 21st birthday yesterday, and I litereally had to scrape change up from Jessi’s piggy bank for gas for him to get down here. I thought I had a little money, but I forgot about insurance drafts, so I am officially $455 overdrawn at the bank. An angel from God paid for our rent next month, and another one paid our electricity bill.
My middle daughter and baby Skylar have to live with me now too. CPS got involved in her deal, and I am the only choice. The ex has big dangerous dogs and has no interest in Skyalr, but just Jessi for the lawsuit money. When he was poor and addicted, I helped him get into rehab. I begged his father and convinced him to help his son. And now, they are all combining forces to try and destroy me. All of the kids have serious disdain for him for attacking me. When I am attacked, so are they, and it feels awful and painful to them to be attacked by their own father.
I personally have failed. I failed at my business. I failed to be able to get back to life in a timely fashion. I failed to have the money to buy my son a fucking birthday cake. I have overcome so much, and my poignant words and the miracle changed people’s lives. People keep saying, go tell you story. Tell it where? Tell it to who? I tell it everyday! I live it everyday, and I try and keep it positive, but this hurts. I just need a break, and I cannot get one…I am trying again today, but I spent all morning with CPS in my home. They had a planned visit to help Hannah get all set up. They are actually being very kind and supportive, and our caseworker had a son who was injured in an accident and she took a year off from her life as well. She is going to help me to get back into my life, and as far as the family court, well my home and my supervision has been found to be very strong, and they are trying to help us and not to hurt us.
So, I know why God brought me down here now. I am so sorry I cannot make a damn dime down here, but Hannah and Skylar needed me, and I got here just in the nick of time. I am trying to finish my real estate classes and take the test, but that costs too. I honestly just need a job, and I really cannot get one. I have put in a lot of professional resumes/ applications without even a nod or interview. I have applied as a bartender a lot of places, but no jobs. I have even tried as a server, but this town is seriously agist. I just pray and keep the faith. Faith and love are all I have, but I would always choose the love and respect of my children over money any day, any time!
The really good news is that Jessi is better and really such a miracle. She is fine. She so wants to be a cheerleader, and the only requirement for her to be one at her new school for her is to purchase the uniforms. Well, I barely covered my electricity bill. I asked my ex to let his family members know that all she wants for her birthday are uniforms. He said to hold off on the cheer thing. She cried hard over that, and so did I. That’s what got her up out of that hospital bed. She will be on modified status, but it would be so awesome to see her in her cheer uniform at O’Henry. I suppose she will just have to be happy being a regular student back in school. I am trying very hard to keep it positive so that she can focus on being grateful to get back into school. I cannot get her school supplies though, and that makes me sick. I will find a way. I know I will. I have to! I just have to!